I feel officially done with student teaching though I am only unofficially finished. On Monday, May 7, I had my final evaluation with my cooperating teacher and my university supervisor. I received very positive comments from both, which was uplifting for me.
On Wednesday, May 9, I was observed by the head of the English department, and thus I taught my last complete lesson that day. The observation and follow-up went well. I was able to schedule an interview with the principal and the department head for next Thursday.
Yesterday, May 11, Katie, Joe, and I went to the beach for a lovely day off to celebrate the end of student teaching. Today, May 12, we're having a get-together/shin-dig/barbecue to celebrate with our fellow student teachers and our friends.
I almost don't know what to do with myself not having any papers to grade or lesson plans to create. Not that I want more. But now, I've got time to think, and that's probably not good. But I need this time to think.
It makes me sad when I look back at the last year and almost two months. These thoughts are not regrets. The decisions that I've made have made me the independent woman that I am, and I do like myself. I wish I had been less naive though. I'd never considered myself a naive person (I guess that should have been my first clue), but in retrospect I see very clearly that I was.
In thinking about this time of my life, as I explained to Joe yesterday, I said, "I took a sabbatical from my close relationship with Jesus." That does make me regretful. I know that I've been forgiven for it, yet the consequences don't stop. I think that as I move to another stage of my life, though, I've learned many lessons that will help make different decisions for the future.
1. There are worse things that being single. Yes, I would like to be with someone; however, I need to find the right man to be with. Unfortunately, I've fallen in love with guys who were not right for me, or in one specific case, I allowed myself to find comfort in someone who was not right for me and whom I was not in love with.
2. I need to be open to the man who is right for me and not dwell in the past so much. The guys I have dated before either do not love me anymore or do not want to be with me anymore. Until then, I have a wonderful family and friends to spend time with. Next year, I will have students to shower my love and attention on.
3. I need to realize that even though I still care about the guys that I have dated, I don't need to always have updates on them. I need to move on, and they do as well. Yes, they have lied to me, and I've lied to myself.
4. I need to truly forgive the people I've not. Resentment only hurts me, and I don't deserve that.
5. I need to forgive myself for not having the perfect plan and having it already worked out. I am a fun person, and I've become an energetic teacher, and in my own way, I've made a difference to the students this year. I have a lot of room for improvement as well and I need time to become an even better teacher for my students before I have to reevaluate priorities.
Writing for me is a cathartic act. When I started this post, I felt down and slightly depressed. There is no reason for that. I've had real reasons to be depressed for. This is a happy time in my life. My college graduation is one week and one day away. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and my Mama is happy and healthy and always so wonderful to me. One week and six days is my 21st birthday, and two weeks from today, I'll get to spend time with my best friends from home. And most importantly, my relationship with Jesus is back. He's stayed with me so much throughout all of the trials of my life and all of my bad decisions.
My journey of teaching has brought me many places that I never saw coming -- already and the full-time has not even started. I began the semester as a college student, and I've finished it as an adult - as a teacher. Where will the future take me?
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Monday, May 7, 2007
So you still want to be a teacher?
I'd been feeling pretty good today. My final evaluation with Mrs. Flowe and Marci went very well. Our lessons went well. I know what I'm going to do when Mary comes to observe me. On the way out the door today after the faculty meeting, Wallace, another English teacher, asked me, "So you still want to be a teacher?"
I responded with a smile, and "I think so."
Then, in the car on the way home, I told Katie, "I definitely told him the wrong thing. I should have said "Hell yes, I still want to be a teacher." And this is why I know...
At the end of fifth period, Maryanne quietly came up to me and said, "Ms. Owen, can I talk to you after school?" I replied, "Of course, let me give Greg his papers." Once I came back to her, she said, "Ms. Owen, you know what you wrote me on my papers, that you understand? I really need to talk to someone who does understand."
As she started to cry and before she said anything else, thoughts started flooding into my head from four years ago. An intelligent young woman trying to finish high school while trying to deal with the fact that her father is terminally ill from cancer. To differentiate my story from Maryanne's, my relationship with my Daddy was much better than hers with an absent for the last seven year's father who has been abusive toward his family.
I sat down and as her tears gained in intensity, I gave her a hug. What do you say in a time like this, when words aren't good enough?
When Marci realized what was happening, she came over as well. As I listened to Maryanne, I realized that I had changed roles -- now I'm the one trying to comfort and give support where there really is no advice other than Mama's "keep on keepin' on."
We listened and sympathized. "It does suck. It's not fair that you should be dealing with this." This being handling a terminally ill father when your sister is angry and won't come, when your mom discourages you from going, when you can't tell your friends because they don't understand, when you can't tell your mom because you afraid of making her more angry, when you can't go to church because you feel like God's given you too much to handle, when you feel like no one understands at all.
Our final advice was to talk to her minister. He can help you and give advice in ways better than us.
I finally got her to laugh a little bit in between her tears. When she left, and I was able to get home, mine started.
Oh Lord, give Maryanne strength for her struggles and help her realize that this time in her life is one of the footprints times when there is only one set because now You are carrying her.
So, yes, Wallace, I still want to be a teacher because today I've made a difference for Maryanne. My nights of responding for journals and sometimes (more than often) asking myself why I do this when I keep finding Alex's in the trashcan or left in a desk. Maybe the question should be returned to Wallace, "Do you still want to be a teacher?"
I responded with a smile, and "I think so."
Then, in the car on the way home, I told Katie, "I definitely told him the wrong thing. I should have said "Hell yes, I still want to be a teacher." And this is why I know...
At the end of fifth period, Maryanne quietly came up to me and said, "Ms. Owen, can I talk to you after school?" I replied, "Of course, let me give Greg his papers." Once I came back to her, she said, "Ms. Owen, you know what you wrote me on my papers, that you understand? I really need to talk to someone who does understand."
As she started to cry and before she said anything else, thoughts started flooding into my head from four years ago. An intelligent young woman trying to finish high school while trying to deal with the fact that her father is terminally ill from cancer. To differentiate my story from Maryanne's, my relationship with my Daddy was much better than hers with an absent for the last seven year's father who has been abusive toward his family.
I sat down and as her tears gained in intensity, I gave her a hug. What do you say in a time like this, when words aren't good enough?
When Marci realized what was happening, she came over as well. As I listened to Maryanne, I realized that I had changed roles -- now I'm the one trying to comfort and give support where there really is no advice other than Mama's "keep on keepin' on."
We listened and sympathized. "It does suck. It's not fair that you should be dealing with this." This being handling a terminally ill father when your sister is angry and won't come, when your mom discourages you from going, when you can't tell your friends because they don't understand, when you can't tell your mom because you afraid of making her more angry, when you can't go to church because you feel like God's given you too much to handle, when you feel like no one understands at all.
Our final advice was to talk to her minister. He can help you and give advice in ways better than us.
I finally got her to laugh a little bit in between her tears. When she left, and I was able to get home, mine started.
Oh Lord, give Maryanne strength for her struggles and help her realize that this time in her life is one of the footprints times when there is only one set because now You are carrying her.
So, yes, Wallace, I still want to be a teacher because today I've made a difference for Maryanne. My nights of responding for journals and sometimes (more than often) asking myself why I do this when I keep finding Alex's in the trashcan or left in a desk. Maybe the question should be returned to Wallace, "Do you still want to be a teacher?"
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